what? livejournal?

a year later.

no one will even read this; livejournal-keeping as a past-time, nothing to say to these white pages that can even begin to explain the complications of "life" and the absurdity of our incomprehensible ignorance.

it's all i can think about.

things seem almost comical, like farces, like some massive, collective joke somebody let get way out of hand. wrote something the other day about the formulation of our minds (that is, humans') as the worst mistake ever made.

i read through the past few years via livejournal. people change. duh. things change. i of course am included, but i don't feel that way. i feel slow, numb, young, old, frozen. the only thing that scares me is my own insane mind.

people, animals, trees, skies, songs, skin. there are so many things.

i exist lately as if i am the only one, completely and utterly in my head. i don't notice anything or anyone, and i don't notice that they notice me and worry.
this place i have found myself...i've watched others fall through it and suffer it and endure it and come out of it alive and well but changed and quieter and more aware of their place and their lack of knowledge. the differences between people in these cases are evident and grossly tangible and i wonder what i will do and i wonder if i can choose.

back at beloit.
i just want to leave.

a small note of carelessness hanging over my head, i pull the car into drive. we are forty five minutes out of here, westward, homebound. i am driving slowly, taking in the moon's fullness and the feeling of being the only car on the freeway. i am ashamed of my mistakes, and angry at those who prompted them, but really it is only myself, and i am at fault. i will listen to your stories only so many times, and i will tolerate you less and less. i wonder at your mind. at the drive's end i am out of the car, stand ing on the platform's flat top with thousands of people below me, rising and falling with the waves.

a direct hit to the senses
you're
d  i s  c o n  n e c  t  e  d


grow the fuck up, you sound like you're five years old. stop pretending, and stop talking yourself up. start being a little more self-confident, awkwardness is unflattering. stop throwing your own life away and actually do something. take a long look at yourself, is this who you really want to be? stop fucking lying about everything, we can all see right through you. don' t overanalyze and stop trying to shape everything to your mold, it won't happen. listen to others for a change, and let them help you.

i realize i lack so much more than i thought.

YES!!!!

new livejournal. same name. got rid of all high school shit. maybe college shit is more exciting.